"Holy Shift"

Life can change in an instant.  I've heard the saying many times before - I just don't know that it ever applied to me.  I remember the moment that my husband and I found out that there would be a baby in our lives.  I'd like to tell you that it was a moment we celebrated. Tears of joy, excited phone calls to the parental units, the whole bit....   But mostly, it was a "Holy Shit" moment - followed by days of sheer panic.  Complete fear of the unknown that we were being thrust into.  Knowing that the carefree lifestyle we were living would soon be a distant memory - but not knowing what to anticipate in its place.

After a time, the panic gave way to excitement and nervous anticipation.  Most of our time taken up by the decisions that now, looking back, were not decisions that were the weighty, important ones.  How will we decorate the nursery? (the one that the baby WON'T sleep in... because he'd rather be in the pack n' play in our room).  What about names? (important, yes, but was it really worth the HOURS of arguing...) Or what outfit should we take to the hospital for bringing him home? (it didn't fit - newborns can be SURPRISINGLY tiny).

Instead, I wish we had spent more time talking about what we wanted our lives to look like once the little man arrived. I wish we had talked about priorities... our overall values regarding work, family, and life. Because life HAS changed in an instant.  The moment we left the hospital with Sweet Pea my entire life perspective made a cataclysmic shift.  (which caused an unexpected anxiety attack...) I knew life would change - certainly.  But I wasn't prepared for the weighty-ness of the change.  I have always been a responsible person - but now I have RESPONSIBILITY.

I wish that we had discussed what would happen if I decided I DIDN'T want to return to work.  Could we find a way to swing it financially?  Were there other options?  Could we find solutions that included part-time work and benefits?  But these discussions didn't happen because I assumed I would be dying to get back to work... that I would be bored at home and ready to get back to the grind.  That I would be ok with our son spending time in daycare.  Sure, these conversations can happen now - it's not too late... and perhaps sometimes it's because life has changed so drastically we are able to find solutions that were never available to us before.

I had initially thought that I would be on maternity leave for 6 weeks, maybe 8 -- tops.  But the 6 turned to 8, then 10 and then 12.  And if I was allowed to be out longer... I would still be at home...

Today was my first day back to work.  It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be - mostly because my mother-in-law is FABULOUS and kindly offered to ease us into our new routine.  She hung out with Sweet Pea today -- and from what she's telling me he had a great day.  It wasn't perfect, there were tears.  But he did really great.  I think he actually ENJOYED his day.  He did much better than I did.   My day included tears... and staring at the phone, wondering if he was ok.... and thinking of the loads of smiles and kisses that I was missing out on while I was away... and counting down the hours until I was able to head home and... and work - (it did also include work).  When I arrived home, I'm not sure that Sweet Pea even realized how long I had been gone.

The question isn't really - will my son survive daycare?  Because the answer is, of course, YES.  Loads of children survive and thrive in daycare.  It's more a question of - will I survive my son being in daycare?  And is this an option I am ok with for the long haul?

If you had asked me 12 months ago if I loved my job... I would have given you a resounding YES.  And if you asked me the same question today, I would still say, yes.  The difference is that my job is no longer what defines me.  I enjoy my job.  I work hard at my job.  But my son - my family - is my priority.  And if I had my druthers, I would give my son and my family my undivided attention - or at least more attention than my full-time job will allow.

I realize that I am writing this at the end of my first day back to work.  Perhaps my prespective will change in the next week or two... But cross your fingers that with conversations and creativity my husband and I can also find some alternate solutions that just might give us the best of both worlds... Because winning the lottery hasn't panned out...