Thursday, July 29, 2010

The value of unlikely friendships - this one is for my homie, Howie

My friend Jose likes to tell me "You don't pick your homies, your homies pick you."

Let me explain... for those readers that may be unfamiliar with the term "homie"; A homie is someone who seeks you out as a friend... someone who YOU might not normally seek out to be your friend - but for some reason this other person really values their connection to you. We all have a homie - sometimes more than one.

I'd like to tell you about my homie, Howie.

I first met Howie a number of years ago through a work-based professional development opportunity. We were in the inaugural year of a leadership program at the college where we both work. It was immediately obvious that Howie and I have little in common. He is faculty. I am staff. He's old enough to be my dad. I'm the same age as his son. He is a seasoned professional. I am fairly fresh. He is a RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT Wing Republican. I lean more left. He is Jewish. I am... not Jewish. He is outspoken. I am quiet and reserved.

Ok - that last part is not true. Really the only thing we have in common is we both are fearless in speaking our mind. Which is probably why he initially drove me crazy. Here was this older, adjunct faculty member who felt the need to constantly provide his point of view, which was NEVER the way I saw things. He would ruffle my feathers, really challenge my point of view. And sometimes I couldn't get a word in edgewise -- which was REALLY IRRITATING -- especially because he was WRONG. I'm not sure what it was about me that caused him to seek me out as a friend -- because I saw us as so.... different. But over time, through our one on one conversations I have come to truly value the unlikely friend that I have in Howie.

Howie is now retired from teaching. This is his first year in his new role as retiree. I don't think the transition has been an easy one. He'd rather be busy... so he's keeping himself busy trying to learn how to relax. (If you can call writing a book relaxing...) But his "free time" has given us time to connect on Facebook, over email, and an occasional lunch or phone call. While I still disagree with most of his political views (Howie, The problem is the system -- not the guy who you like to call "President Inept")... In Howie have found a constant friend, a cheerleader, a mentor, and more.

Howie is someone who offers advice on the inner workings of the college we both love -- he offers insight (and support) in my new role as a parent, and he is someone who cheers on my attempts at writing. In return, I think that he values my perspective and what I bring to the friendship... I feel like I was able to offer him editing advice on his book "Incentive" - which you can (shameless plug) order on Amazon.com

So as I reflect on the past year of my life - Howie's continued friendship has been a wonderful gift... Looking back to when we first met, I don't think I would have picked him to be my friend... But I am ever so thankful that he decided to pick me. So to my friend Howie -- Thanks Homie!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

What I'm Reading Now - Nurture Shock



It all started when I was walking through the campus bookstore and the book cover caught my eye. A funny little egg, cracked, with a band aid over it. What WAS this book all about? Nurture Shock - New Thinking About Children... Turns out it was written by an author I had read before - Po Bronson (What Should I Do With My Life? -- turns out no one really knows... and in the end, the book was a bit depressing and unrewarding - but, well written). I was intrigued - and made a mental note to check into the book on Amazon.

And then, when I returned to the office, I had an email from Po Bronson. I must be on some sort of list that I don't remember ever signing up to receive. The email referred me to Newsweek. He and his co-author of Nurture Shock had written the cover story for Newsweek. It was about the creativity crisis in America and what to do about it. Not gonna lie - it felt a little serendipitous. So I jumped onto Newsweek, read the article, and was impressed. Then I went to Amazon and ordered the book.

The book arrived about a week ago. I've continued to be amazed ever since. The first chapter discusses the inverse power of positive praise. Basically here is the gist. Many parents continually praise their kids for being smart. "Oh, Johnny -- you are so smart! Good job". And you would think that this would be a good thing... turns out - research shows that this kind of praise has the potential to be destructive. Kids who are constantly praised for being smart are less likely to take educational risks - for fear that they might fail - and be seen as "not smart". Additionally, these same kids are less likely to stick with something they are bad at -- put in additional effort to master a difficult task - because they assume that being smart - or good at something should come easy to them.

The book states that instead, parents (and teachers) should praise kids for their efforts, and give specific examples in the praise. Kids who had their effort praised were more likely to stick with something difficult - and put in effort to work through the difficulty. They were also more likely to attempt challenging tasks that they knew would be very difficult and where there was a high chance they might not do very well.

Another chapter in the book addresses the issue of diversity. It turns out that kids in diverse classrooms or schools are LESS likely to have cross-racial friendships. The authors give specific examples of how parents need to talk to their kids about race. (i.e. we can't just assume that because the classroom is diverse that our kids "get" racial differences -- we need to be much more direct in our conversations.)

One chapter specifically addresses the issue of sleep in kids - Our school aged kids are getting 1 hour less sleep a night than they did 30 years ago. The cost? IQ points lost, ADHD, obesity, and problems with their emotional well being.

I don't want to give you the play by play of the entire book... Suffice it to say that over and over I've been fascinated by the information (and the science behind the information) in this book. I'd recommend it as a thought provoking (and relatively quick) read for anyone who is a parent or who works in K-12 education. I think you'll learn new information that may change some of your interactions with children. Or perhaps you're one of the lucky ones doing things completely right - and you will feel validated in your parenting/ teaching style!

And if you enjoy the book - here is some especially great news... The Metropolitan State College of Denver will be bringing the authors to campus on October 28th of this year. You could come hear the authors for yourself (the event is free) and even get your book signed! (yes, this is a shameless advertisement more information as the event day looms closer - humor me.)

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman are weekly contributors to Newsweek - several of their articles are archived online as well - if you enjoy their work... you can be kept busy for a while. I've been trying to work my way through the list in all of my free time... all five minutes of it!Let me know if you pick up the book and read it. Or if you have read it already -- I'm also interested in your thoughts on the creativity (and other) articles in Newsweek.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The Challenge of Nicknames

What is it with people feeling the name to give our children nicknames? Lately, several well- meaning, very loving people in Sweet Pea’s life have decided to give him a nickname that is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And I’m struggling with how to address it. And it needs to be addressed or I might go crazy – I’m just not sure how to do it in a loving, respectful way.

This may be the only time you see my use my son’s name in this blog – as I feel it is necessary to protect his privacy. I am writing about him for my own emotional health – and it seems only fair to keep him mostly anonymous. But I’m not sure I can truly share the story in a way that makes sense without sharing the specifics.

My son’s name is Reese. It tends to be a more gender-neutral name these days – what with Reese Witherspoon being so famous. My husband and I both agreed upon the name, but we went into this whole parenting thing knowing that people might initially be confused as to whether Reese is a boy or a girl. It’s easy enough to correct the people that tell us that our little girl is so cute… But what I wasn’t expecting was for family members and daycare staff to call my son Reesey. I am not a fan of this nickname. To me, it is like nails on a chalkboard.

In the first few weeks of my son’s life, my husband also attempted to use this nickname. It was easier to address his poor nickname judgment. I simply said. “oh hell no! We will not call him Reesey.” And that was the end of that. But, for some reason, it is a harder conversation to have with other people involved in Reese’s life. I don’t want to appear harsh, or rude – especially when I know they are addressing him out of love. And I love that all of these well-meaning people love and adore my baby.

A friend with whom I shared this frustration (in an attempt to find a solution) asked me why I dislike Reesey so much. For one, it’s not his name. If I wanted his name to end in “ie” or “y” I would have given him a name that ended that way. And someday my little boy will be a young man – and nicknames have a way of “sticking”… especially in family settings. I’d like to give him a leg up on being called by his name so that when he attends school, he feels confident to tell kids that his name is Reese – not Reesey. If I can’t gather the confidence to have the conversation with people in my life, how can I ever expect it of him?

So, I’ve been working on my strategy (and on my courage) to address this with people when it occurs again. I feel like it is my responsibility as a parent to establish what my son is to be called… lest we end up with 50 year old man still called Reesey. Wish me luck!

Monday, July 19, 2010

It Must Be Monday

Sweet Pea has woken up on the wrong side of his Pack n' Play today.  Well, he's woken up on the wrong side of his Pack n' Play several times this morning.  It seems that no amount of cuddles and kisses are doing the trick. Even his play mat isn't doing the trick -- the one with his favorite monkey -- and the same three songs that are now permanently stuck in my head when I go to bed at night.  Nope Sweet Pea has decided that this morning he's just going to be cranky.  And everyone should know it.

So now I'm wide awake.  I've given up the dream that there might be more sleep for me this morning.  Instead, I am having my Tylenol Cold and Sinus (Daytime) with a coffee chaser.  And I'm thinking that Sweet Pea and all the other babies out there have it pretty easy.  When they are cranky and fed up with the world it is socially acceptable for them to scream and yell and pitch a hissy fit.  You and me?  Not so much.

And today is a day that I wish I were able to scream and whine a little bit.  It's Monday.  I'm exhausted because Sweet Pea is STILL on this crazy sleep schedule (although, I think I've determined that this might be my fault - so I've no one to blame but myself).  And the icing on the cake is this fantastic cold that I've somehow contracted over the weekend.  The cold in and of itself is not so bad - but combine it with the lack of sleep and I'm wondering if I will ever recover.  So, yes, today I think it would be easier to be an infant.  Scream and yell -- and just be cranky - and have everyone around me think -- oh she's just little, so it's ok.

Instead, I will be getting in the shower and putting on my "big-girl" clothes and heading off to work.  I hope that Monday will take it easy on me.  Because it is going to take everything I have to smile and be nice today.

I've got loads of other blog posts floating in my head that I have not had time to actually get down on "virtual paper"... so you'll have to forgive me that I'm a little behind.  More exciting, thought provoking insights from Brooke Frances later today -- right now I'm going to try to get out on the right side of MY bed -- here's hoping I don't step on my husband in the process ;-)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Stomach Sleeping

I am a stomach sleeper.  So is my husband.  And so is Sweet Pea.  (insert facial contortions from friends here).  Sweet Pea is three months old.  And every doctor, book, family member and many well meaning friend indicates that this is a VERYBADIDEA.

These days there are so many things you SHOULDN'T do from the minute you get pregnant and beyond. It's hard to sleep at night for fear I might be destroying my child's life with the sandwich meat I had for lunch to the vitamin D I should be giving him but normally don't -- because FORMULA gives him the vitamin D he needs -- breast milk? Not so much... (but that's a different rant.)

For over a month now Sweet Pea has taken naps on his stomach during the day... because the doctor said it was ok.. and because we found out BY ACCIDENT that he sleeps better that way.  One day I put him on my bed, on his stomach, for tummy time while I put some laundry away.  He was fussy but I HAD to get a few things done.  When I went to check on him a few minutes later... SOUND ASLEEP.  And he stayed that way for over an hour - which, at the time, was the best nap he had ever taken.  EVER.  Now, he naps like that all the time. 

But at night? I'm not so confident.  During nap time I keep checking in.  But at night? I am sleeping, too.  Well, we all should be sleeping. But right now... NO ONE is sleeping.  Well, that's not true.  My husband IS sleeping because he, apparently, can sleep through anything.  Sweet Pea and I have been up every two hours all night long for the past week.  It. is. awesome.  Like, in a my-life-totally-sucks-right-now kind of way.  Because before when he pulled this kind of crap we both took a nap during the day.  Now I don't get a nap because I think my boss would frown upon it. 

So -- I have a dilemma.  Put Sweet Pea on his side or back and wake up every two hours all night long... or put him put his tummy so we both get sleep.  And risk killing him.  Because of the whole SIDS thing that is talked about SO much every parent I know is afraid to fall asleep at night for fear that while they sleep their baby will stop breathing.  Last night at about 2 am when my husband and I couldn't take it anymore we finally put Sweet Pea on his tummy.  And he slept.  And so did we.  And this morning, I am happy to report that we are all alive and well. 

Does this mean that Sweet Pea will sleep on his tummy exclusively from now on?  I don't really have an answer.  It still freaks me out.  I will probaby call his doctor today and see what she thinks... and we'll weigh what the doctor says with what feels right.  Sweet Pea IS three months.  He has good muscle development in his neck.  He has rolled over, but he's not doing it all the time... so all of this will factor in to how we move forward...

Scary stuff this sleep thing.  And here all I thought I had to worry about were nightmares.  Not sleeping itself.  What are your thoughts on stomach sleeping? I would love to hear the feedback!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Not Your Average Joe -- Yep. I Concur.

Politics is an area that I typically tend to shy away from... It seems to open a can of worms and I like to tread lightly so as to not get everyone riled up.  However -- today I feel the need to jump in and speak my mind.  Forgive me my tirade. 

I live in House District 9 in Colorado.  The other day I received a mailer for State House Representative Joe Miklosi (D) -- he's currently running for re-election.  I've actually had drinks with Joe -- my friend Natalie has done volunteer work for him and she introduced us.  He seemed like a nice enough guy. 

But then, last week, this mailer came.  And now I think that either Joe is somewhat out of touch with his District, or he's in need of a new PR person.  Or both.  Take a look at what I received in the mail and let's see if you share my concerns...



Here's what I see.  There's a whole bunch of White people on this flier.  Only one photo on the mailer (front & back) represents people of color.  The photo is of a Black family - right smack in the middle of the photo -- and they represent people with foreclosure issues.  REALLY?  The only people of color on your flier are the ones that need financial help.... OH, JOE.  I'm guessing that your PR person is a moron -- and that you have no people of color on your campaign team... because this is just a BAD MOVE for your campaign.

For the record, House District 9 isn't just comprised of White people and Black people.  We have a high population of Arabs and Latinos -- they are not represented anywhere on this flier... so I guess if they received this in the mail -- they know that Joe doesn't really represent them OR care about their opportunities.

I know that this is just one small mailer... but I think it points to a much larger issue with Joe Miklosi and his understanding of Diversity.  And I say this as someone who tends to vote Democrat about someone who is a Democratic candidate.

I'm a little disappointed in the person who is currently representing me at the capitol.  I don't think he gets the District... I don't think he gets me or the issues that concern me.  And now, looking back to when I met with him all those months ago -- I remember he spent more time talking about himself than he did asking me about MY concerns and how he could better represent ME as a person in his District.

So Joe -- you've got a little time before the election.... I think you have some work to do... because as of right now -- you certainly don't have my vote. 

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Guardianship: What Happens if Something Happens to Us?

I never realized that being a parent would lead to so many BIG, IMPORTANT conversations and decisions right from the get go.  I know I SHOULD have realized this.  But man - this "grown up" thing is making my brain hurt!

Vaccinations. Daycare.  We had a boy - so there was a conversation about circumcision.  And we're still working out the REALLY hard decisions.  What happens if something happens to US?  How much life insurance is enough?  Who do we get a policy through?  And what about a will?  Is there such a thing as a "do it yourself" will?  If not -- where the heck do we even find a lawyer to draw up a will? And how do we make the REALLY tough decision about who should take care of Sweet Pea if we aren't here to do it? And WHY is it that this isn't covered in the hospital birthing class or the baby books?  I'm a relatively smart person.  My husband is, too.  But this is new territory and we need a road map!

These conversations are scary and exhausting.  Some questions will most likely just take a little bit of research. (I'll get right on that in all of my free time).  But other questions are taking some soul searching and a very honest look at our values... our hopes and dreams for Sweet Pea.  And let's be honest.  No one really wants to think about not being around to take care of their baby.  Nor do we want to make a rash decision, either.  Because, for us, there doesn't seem to be an "obvious" choice.  We have many options - but no option is perfect... I'm not sure anyone has a "perfect" answer.  Perfect means you don't worry that you'll kick the bucket and leave your kid an orphan.

My husband's family is located in Colorado.  My family in Wisconsin.  Either option will mean that it will be work for Sweet Pea to stay connected to family.  Both of us have brothers - but our brothers are single.  It doesn't really seem fair to designate a single man as the sole guardian for Sweet Pea.  ("Surprise, Brother! You've never cared for a baby -- but now you get to!  Good Luck!")  And our parents, while WONDERFUL, are aging...  For the record, mine are older.... But, if Sweet Pea loses us - is it really fair to worry that his guardians might not be around long either?  And will they have the energy to even keep up with our crazy kid? Do we look to extended family?  Is that a slap in the face to our parents and siblings?  These questions don't have quick, easy answers -- but I feel pressure that we need to figure it out quickly.  Our child is on the planet - and if, suddenly, we aren't... it's not really fair to ask our families to play the part of King Solomon.

All the doom and gloom talk is depressing!  I'd rather go back to talking about what we think Sweet Pea will be when he grows up or what his first word will be.  (I'm pretty sure he's already said it, and it's "Hi" -- yes, my 3 month old is a boy genius!)

So, today, I don't have a book review or a cute story about how motherhood has opened my eyes and given me a new perspective on life.  Today, I have loads of questions - with no answers in sight.  Perhaps the folks that are reading this can offer some perspective on their own personal experiences with these decisions.  I know many of you are older and wiser... and some of you are just a few steps ahead of my husband and me in our parenting process.  I'm guessing your wisdom will not only assist me, but perhaps others that might be following my journey.  Thanks in advance for your insights!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Vaccination Debate

Today Sweet Pea turned 3 months old.  Tomorrow he has the pleasure of visiting the pediatrician - so I thought I would take a bit of time to broach what some might find a controversial topic.  Vaccinations.

I feel like I should begin by stating that I am not opposed to vaccinating my child.  But a red flag was raised when I did my research and saw the EXTREMELY long list of vaccinations that are routinely scheduled for wee ones.  (It is much, much, longer than when I was an infant).  I mean, REALLY? Chicken Pox?  There is now a vaccination for Chicken Pox?  I thought that getting Chicken Pox was a childhood right of passage...

After seeing this list and having a mini freak-out; I felt like it was important to do some research, ask some questions, and determine for myself which vaccinations - if any - were absolutely necessary for the safety and well-being of my child.  I wanted to weigh the risks of the diseases that Sweet Pea would be vaccinated against vs. the actual dangers of the ingredients in each vaccine.

Lucky for me and the rest of the parenting population, Dr. Robert Sears - pediatrician extraordinaire - has written a book that lays it all out for parents in black and white.  And he does it in a way that is factual - He describes the diseases and weighs out ALL the information, risks, and vaccine options - so that parents can make the decision for themselves on what to do with each recommended vaccine.  He's not preachy.  He doesn't make any judgment calls.  And he provides options so that parents can feel comfortable with the decisions they are making.  Better yet?  He keeps an updated website so that all information is current.  Even though the book was written in 2007, I know that I can get the most up-to-date information possible online.

I found the information on the Hep B vaccine especially helpful in our decision making process.  Hepatitis B is a sexually transmitted virus that can cause problems with the liver.  It can be fatal.  Hep B can be contracted through unprotected sex, sharing needles, improperly sterilized tattoo needles or getting stuck with an infected needle.   The vaccine is usually given in the hospital at birth or at the infant's first visit to the pediatrician (2 day appointment). Now, I don't know about you -- but I'm pretty sure that my newborn will not be having unprotected sex, doing drugs, or running out to get a tattoo.  This is one vaccine that can probably wait until Sweet Pea is a bit older.  So Sweet Pea's daddy and I decided to hold off on this one.

But that Chicken Pox vaccine? Turns out if you've ever had chicken pox you are more at risk for Shingles later in life.  Something my husband and I found out firsthand in my 9th month of pregnancy.  When we ended up in the emergency room because my husband had this really weird rash and the WORST headache of his life.  Turns out he quite possibly had Shingles and most definitely had Viral Meningitis.  (In rare cases Shingles can actually cause Viral Meningitis - in healthy people there is a .5% chance of this happening). Talk about a very frightening day.  Followed by a week where my husband was flat on his back at home - and both of us sick with worry that he might contaminate me and the yet-to-be-born Sweet Pea.  This experience solidified our personal decisions about vaccinations for several diseases.  But Dr. Sears lays it all out so that each family can come to their own conclusions by weighing the chance of contracting the disease with the risks of side effects for the vaccine.  And he shares all ingredients in each vaccine. Which is great if you have concerns about certain potentially toxic ingredients.  He even gives tips on how to discuss all your vaccine questions and concerns with your pediatrician.

I'm impressed with his ability to find middle ground in all of this, too.  He gives options for a selective vaccine schedule and an alternate vaccine schedule for those parents (like me) who believe that some (if not all) vaccines are necessary - but don't want to load their babies up with tons of scary ingredients all at once.  The alternate schedule stretches the vaccination schedule out to 18 months.  It does mean more visits to the pediatrician (and thus, more co-pays) but it also means you have a better idea what shot might be causing side effects if your child does have an adverse reaction.  The plan really tries to limit the amount of aluminum that your child is given in one visit - as this toxic ingredient seems to be the most controversial and be the most concerning for many parents.

All-in-all this book has been an important part of our infant survival kit.  It's along at every doctor's visit and usually in my purse so that I can continue to brush up on information when I have a spare moment or two to read.

So if you are a parent, soon-to-be parent, or know anyone with young children... I can't recommend this book enough.  Definitely worth the read!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Is today over yet?

The house is quiet.  The TV is off.  The dogs are snoring.  The hubbie is out on a run.  Sweet Pea is sleeping.  And I am basking in the solace of a quiet moment.  It is so peaceful and wonderful and I think I will just take a moment to be reminded that it IS possible for my home to not be surrounded in chaos.  If only the WHOLE day had been like this...  Alas, that was not the case...

Here is how today went.  I am at work... trying to get caught up on 3 months of emails, questions, phone calls... My cell phone rings at 10 am.  It's my husband - whoiloveverymuch - trying to yell over the top of the wee one in FULL MELTDOWN mode.  (Daddy has Sweet Pea at his home office two days a week. -- Today is day two of the new schedule) Apparently the screaming had begun 30 minutes earlier.  Sweet Pea has no interest in calming down or in taking his bottle.  I am somehow supposed to solve the crisis over the phone.  I have no idea how.

So I do the only two things I can think of.  1. Call my mother-in-law.  Since she is on her computer and lives in an area where dial-up is her only option - the phone goes straight to voicemail.  Plan B. -- Email sent that begs her to call her son.  (Since she watched Sweet Pea on my first day back to work, I am hoping she has the miracle answer to fix the issue).  2.  Call the neighbors - one isn't home, the other rushes over to help -- which probably stresses my husband out more than it helps -- but Hell, I AM GRASPING AT STRAWS HERE.

Sweet Pea finally cries himself to sleep - still not having eaten.  He wakes up again at noon and the whole process starts over again.  Yes - my child is on a hunger strike.  To the point where my husband calls and says... that's it, I give up.  I'm bringing the kid to you. (great, because THAT is going to solve the problem)  But then my mother in law talks him down.  So my husband - whoiloveverymuchbutdon'tknowhowtohelp - finally just packs Sweet Pea in the car and tells him "Daddy has work to do and you're coming with me. "  Sweet Pea calms down - but my husband has not packed a bottle so he turns around and heads back home and Sweet Pea FINALLY eats.  At 1:30.  About 6 hours since his last bottle.

Meanwhile, I am in HYSTERICS at work.  Knowing that I can't go home and save my child and my husband as that will only make matters worse tomorrow.  and the next day. and the next.  It's a battle of the wills and even though it's KILLNG me...  I will teach my son who's boss.  I will teach my son who's boss.  I will teach my son who's boss.  (OK- let's be honest - he is TOTALLY running the show... but I think that this going back to work thing is going to force him to pull it together.  I mean he's 3 months old now.  It's high time he grows up and stops being such a baby).

The good news.  No one died.  Everyone survived this very traumatic day. Even the people in my office survived me and my traumatic day.  And by the time I arrived home, my child was all smiles -- "Oh hi mama -- it's good to see you.  You've been gone for like 10 minutes and I've been looking for you".  he has NO IDEA all the heartache and distress he is causing me -- But I plan to remind him of it when he's older.  I'm expecting to get some kick ass mother's day gifts down the road.... I think he owes me.

And now - i think I will go back to enjoying the peace and quiet.  With a glass of wine.  And maybe even read a page or two from a book.  Imagine that.

Monday, July 5, 2010

After an enjoyable holiday weekend... it's time to write and reflect.  I've taken a couple of days off because I've been in a bit of a funk.  And no one wants to hear my ramblings when I'm crabby.

I've spent the last couple of days trying to put my finger on what, exactly, is wrong.  Life is pretty great - so why the foul mood?  And I think what it comes down to is that I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be anymore.  And who I am might not be as interesting as who I used to be.

Sure, I'm Sweet Pea's mom.  And my husband's wife.  I'm the boss of several professional staff and a dozen or so student staff.  But there used to be a lot more to my life than people needing me. I used to have time to read.  For fun.  I used to be able to spend the weekend baking bread or cookies... and not have to plan it into my schedule.  I used to be able to head out the door on a 5 mile run... and I wouldn't need to worry how it fit into nap time or feeding schedules.  I used to be interesting... well, at least I think I used to be interesting.

Now it feels like life is an endless array of LISTS.  Lists of what we need from the grocery store (so that we don't have to waste time with repeated trips), lists of what needs to be done around the house.  I spend so much of my day trying to be ORGANIZED and establishing routines that there isn't time to be spontaneous... and organized isn't very fun.  And in my down time it feels like someone is always hanging on me.  A baby, a dog, a husband... I love them all - but really.  A little breathing room would be great.

Sure, my husband - whoiloveverymuch - is super supportive and encourages me to head out the door on a run.  But let's be honest -- Most days I get up at 4:30 am. If I have the choice between going for a run or getting sleep, I am opting for the sleep.  I can use all the extra rest that is thrown my way.

At night there is dinner to make, put away, and organize for lunches the next day.  Once Sweet Pea is down for the night and the house is (somewhat) tidy - it's time for bed.  I think if I tried to read I would just fall asleep.  I have stacks of books collecting dust.  And I've watched more crappy tv than I care to even recall - all while feeding Sweet Pea.

Outside of work, I am not sure I even have friends any more - and if I did have a few moments to see them - I'm not sure I would have anything interesting to talk about... it's all a little.... depressing.

I DO know that it will get better.  Life with a little one is difficult.  We all have adjusting to do.  Schedules to figure out.  Once we have a routine it will get easier... but my entire adult life has been about spontenaiety -- and routines, schedules?  Well, they kind of suck. 

So, for now, I'll be making a concerted effort to find small moments in my day to try and remember who I am outside of my responsibilities.  I don't know that it will be easy.  But I do know that it is important.  I guess I need to schedule some time in my day for spontenaity... well, you know what I mean.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

"Holy Shift"

Life can change in an instant.  I've heard the saying many times before - I just don't know that it ever applied to me.  I remember the moment that my husband and I found out that there would be a baby in our lives.  I'd like to tell you that it was a moment we celebrated. Tears of joy, excited phone calls to the parental units, the whole bit....   But mostly, it was a "Holy Shit" moment - followed by days of sheer panic.  Complete fear of the unknown that we were being thrust into.  Knowing that the carefree lifestyle we were living would soon be a distant memory - but not knowing what to anticipate in its place.

After a time, the panic gave way to excitement and nervous anticipation.  Most of our time taken up by the decisions that now, looking back, were not decisions that were the weighty, important ones.  How will we decorate the nursery? (the one that the baby WON'T sleep in... because he'd rather be in the pack n' play in our room).  What about names? (important, yes, but was it really worth the HOURS of arguing...) Or what outfit should we take to the hospital for bringing him home? (it didn't fit - newborns can be SURPRISINGLY tiny).

Instead, I wish we had spent more time talking about what we wanted our lives to look like once the little man arrived. I wish we had talked about priorities... our overall values regarding work, family, and life. Because life HAS changed in an instant.  The moment we left the hospital with Sweet Pea my entire life perspective made a cataclysmic shift.  (which caused an unexpected anxiety attack...) I knew life would change - certainly.  But I wasn't prepared for the weighty-ness of the change.  I have always been a responsible person - but now I have RESPONSIBILITY.

I wish that we had discussed what would happen if I decided I DIDN'T want to return to work.  Could we find a way to swing it financially?  Were there other options?  Could we find solutions that included part-time work and benefits?  But these discussions didn't happen because I assumed I would be dying to get back to work... that I would be bored at home and ready to get back to the grind.  That I would be ok with our son spending time in daycare.  Sure, these conversations can happen now - it's not too late... and perhaps sometimes it's because life has changed so drastically we are able to find solutions that were never available to us before.

I had initially thought that I would be on maternity leave for 6 weeks, maybe 8 -- tops.  But the 6 turned to 8, then 10 and then 12.  And if I was allowed to be out longer... I would still be at home...

Today was my first day back to work.  It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be - mostly because my mother-in-law is FABULOUS and kindly offered to ease us into our new routine.  She hung out with Sweet Pea today -- and from what she's telling me he had a great day.  It wasn't perfect, there were tears.  But he did really great.  I think he actually ENJOYED his day.  He did much better than I did.   My day included tears... and staring at the phone, wondering if he was ok.... and thinking of the loads of smiles and kisses that I was missing out on while I was away... and counting down the hours until I was able to head home and... and work - (it did also include work).  When I arrived home, I'm not sure that Sweet Pea even realized how long I had been gone.

The question isn't really - will my son survive daycare?  Because the answer is, of course, YES.  Loads of children survive and thrive in daycare.  It's more a question of - will I survive my son being in daycare?  And is this an option I am ok with for the long haul?

If you had asked me 12 months ago if I loved my job... I would have given you a resounding YES.  And if you asked me the same question today, I would still say, yes.  The difference is that my job is no longer what defines me.  I enjoy my job.  I work hard at my job.  But my son - my family - is my priority.  And if I had my druthers, I would give my son and my family my undivided attention - or at least more attention than my full-time job will allow.

I realize that I am writing this at the end of my first day back to work.  Perhaps my prespective will change in the next week or two... But cross your fingers that with conversations and creativity my husband and I can also find some alternate solutions that just might give us the best of both worlds... Because winning the lottery hasn't panned out...