After an enjoyable holiday weekend... it's time to write and reflect. I've taken a couple of days off because I've been in a bit of a funk. And no one wants to hear my ramblings when I'm crabby.
I've spent the last couple of days trying to put my finger on what, exactly, is wrong. Life is pretty great - so why the foul mood? And I think what it comes down to is that I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be anymore. And who I am might not be as interesting as who I used to be.
Sure, I'm Sweet Pea's mom. And my husband's wife. I'm the boss of several professional staff and a dozen or so student staff. But there used to be a lot more to my life than people needing me. I used to have time to read. For fun. I used to be able to spend the weekend baking bread or cookies... and not have to plan it into my schedule. I used to be able to head out the door on a 5 mile run... and I wouldn't need to worry how it fit into nap time or feeding schedules. I used to be interesting... well, at least I think I used to be interesting.
Now it feels like life is an endless array of LISTS. Lists of what we need from the grocery store (so that we don't have to waste time with repeated trips), lists of what needs to be done around the house. I spend so much of my day trying to be ORGANIZED and establishing routines that there isn't time to be spontaneous... and organized isn't very fun. And in my down time it feels like someone is always hanging on me. A baby, a dog, a husband... I love them all - but really. A little breathing room would be great.
Sure, my husband - whoiloveverymuch - is super supportive and encourages me to head out the door on a run. But let's be honest -- Most days I get up at 4:30 am. If I have the choice between going for a run or getting sleep, I am opting for the sleep. I can use all the extra rest that is thrown my way.
At night there is dinner to make, put away, and organize for lunches the next day. Once Sweet Pea is down for the night and the house is (somewhat) tidy - it's time for bed. I think if I tried to read I would just fall asleep. I have stacks of books collecting dust. And I've watched more crappy tv than I care to even recall - all while feeding Sweet Pea.
Outside of work, I am not sure I even have friends any more - and if I did have a few moments to see them - I'm not sure I would have anything interesting to talk about... it's all a little.... depressing.
I DO know that it will get better. Life with a little one is difficult. We all have adjusting to do. Schedules to figure out. Once we have a routine it will get easier... but my entire adult life has been about spontenaiety -- and routines, schedules? Well, they kind of suck.
So, for now, I'll be making a concerted effort to find small moments in my day to try and remember who I am outside of my responsibilities. I don't know that it will be easy. But I do know that it is important. I guess I need to schedule some time in my day for spontenaity... well, you know what I mean.
I so understand. It does get better ... but that's really hard to hear when you're in the beginning or middle of it. Podcasts or books on tape are great while feeding the little ones. As for being interesting, I'm too tired to even want to be interesting. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think one of the hardest things for new mom's (and I'm sure there are one's out there that don't have this problem) but for me anyway, was realizing that my husband while WONDERFUL and helpful and sweet, still had his own life. I no longer have my own life. I can't just walk out of a room that has my child in it without first discussing who's watching her and what she'll be doing or what she needs while I'm out of the room for the next 20 minutes.
My husband?, he can walk out and go do anything he wants for an extended period of time and feels comfortable knowing that I'm taking care of the kid. He often asks why I don't do the same. ??? That's not something I can do.
It's a change in mindset that takes a while to accept. I'm not there yet. It doesn't feel fair, it's sometimes depressing and often frustrating. At least we feel that our babies are worth it! Love your posts.
Forgive me for smiling while reading your blog- I could have written this exact thing verbatim about 3 1/2 years ago. I am living proof that it does get better as you get more practiced at it.
ReplyDeleteThe hard part for me was realizing that the person I was before is no longer the person I am now. But, 3 1/2 years and three kids later (yikes!) I'm (somewhat) interesting again. I have time for spontaneous baking, reading, running.
And, may I suggest getting some kind of e-reader (nook, kindle, etc.) for reading during feedings. They are a lot easier to hold and read than a "real" book while you have a baby in your arms.
Ladies. Thank you soooo much for your comments and advice! The Kindle idea is very helpful. I have been looking for an excuse to get one for a while now! And I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one struggling with the issues of "mommy" hood. Carrie, it is so true... Nick still gets to be "Nick" but my life has totally changed. I wouldn't want it any other way - but it's a huge adjustment.
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