I. Have. Been. Wussified.

Looks like I am working from home tomorrow - provided that they actually keep the campus open.  So far, it's business as usual, even though all the school districts have closed down due to extreme cold.  And Sweet Pea's daycare is on the same schedule as the school district -- if the schools are closed - the daycare is closed, too.

Thank You Sweet Pea!  I'll be staying warm instead of having my boogers freeze inside my nose on my way to work tomorrow. 

It's supposed to be -30 here (with windchill) tomorrow.  Thinking of the colder temps reminds me of my childhood and college days when this weather would be considered "balmy" by Wisconsin winter standards.  Heck in this temp back home, we'd be out building snowmen and snow forts.  All bundled up and excited to hit the sledding hills: the colder the snow -- the faster you go!

I seem to also remember many a cold, cold winter night when my college roomies and I would not only head out to the local bars - we'd head out WALKING without a coat - because we didn't want to carry our coats along with us (or have them smell like smoke -- back in the day before smoke-free public places.)

And now - here I am in Colorado - thanking my lucky stars that I don't have to freeze my face off tomorrow in -30 weather.  It might be safe to say that I have been wussified by the Colorado climate.  It also might be safe to say that -30 is damn cold - no matter where you live.

-bf

The Weekend Awaits!

It's Friday night - and I'm at home... in a quiet house...  It's the calm before the storm.  Sweet Pea fell asleep early - which means he's not asleep for good.  So as I await the arrival of my Chinese dinner - I'm contemplating what I'll attempt to do this weekend...

It's been a frustrating week at work.  And I've been having a pity party.  Yep that's me -- "Woa is Me?  Party of One?  Your table is ready!"  I'm frustrated because I'm struggling to find value in my work - AND I'm also struggling because I don't feel like my work values me.  I feel like I'M working hard to show my employees that I value them - but the feeling isn't reciprocated... But maybe that isn't their job... And maybe I should feel more confident in my abilities as a boss.  But a simple - "Thanks for all you do, you're a great boss and we notice how you look out for us" would go a long way... (I guess there is the very REAL possibility that I am NOT a great boss - and that is why no one says Thank You... and maybe THIS is why I am so bothered and frustrated... but I digress.

All of the above thoughts are swirling around in my head... And  I'm wondering - does my boss feel like this, too?  Does she feel like she's bending over backwards and sideways to support the people she supervises but that none of us are telling her "THANKS for having my back" - or "your support really means the world to me?" Do other people at my level in the organization have the same frustrations - do they feel underpaid (no raises for the THIRD year in a row) and undervalued?  Sometimes in order to receive love - you just need to give more of it... Maybe it's high time I stop whining and spread a little more of the love myself.

So-- since I bake when I'm frustrated and stressed... and in case you haven't noticed, I AM frustrated and stressed... my plan is to do some baking this weekend and share the love.  In the off-chance that someone on the receiving end of one of my gifts has bothered to read this post - I think I'll resist the urge to share the actual plans... But if folks are interested, I'll share at the end of the process - with pictures and (hopefully) some reactions to said baking/ love-fest.  

Here's to focusing on the positive - and rather than focusing on what I'm not getting... I'm going to make sure that I'm putting out into the universe what I would like see come back!

--bf

What I'm Reading Now...

It all started with an apron.  An innocent project for Lovey's cousin's little girl who was turning four.  She loves eating cupcakes and she loves baking cupcakes and she's very girly.  Wouldn't it be fun to make a sweet, girly apron that she could wear baking with her mom?

And so I found some fabric.  Pink, of course!  With cupcakes, and some coordinating fabric for the back -- ribbons and ruffles and the whole 9 yards.  (it turned out pretty good, thanks for asking...).  And then I went a little crazy... found a cute box to mail it in - complete with a Disney princess theme.  AND I even found these cute little cupcake lip gloss containers - different colors and different flavors.  SO CUTE!  They matched the apron theme perfectly.  I was so. excited.  I mailed the package off and felt quite proud of myself.

And then I came across a review for the new book "Cinderella Ate My Daughter."  Turns out maybe I shouldn't be so proud.  Turns out maybe I just bought into every stereotype out there about little girls.  And maybe I have a thing or two to learn.  Why is it that everything is PINK for girls?  With cupcakes?  And why is there an entire market for Disney princess dresses?  What sort of a message does this over-emphasis on looks send to our tiny little people?  Shouldn't the message be less about what they look like and more about who they are? And why are we encouraging our little girls to grow up so fast with high heels, and "Britney Spears" clothes and make up?

I mean, really.  Who sends a four year old LIP GLOSS for a birthday present?  Yeah.  That would be me.

While I have not yet ordered my own copy of "Cinderella Ate My Daughter", It will be in the cycle of the next few books I read.  The title is compelling. ( And the cover is pink.  I'm kidding... I won't be  reading it because the cover is pink.)  I'll be reading it because I believe it will give me insights into children - and while I do not have a daughter - I do have little girls in my life who I care about.  And my son will be interacting with little girls, too.  I feel it's best that I read up. Clearly I need the education.

But first - I feel like it might be best if I read up on how to be the best parent possible to my son. So I've just begun "Raising Cain:  Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys".  I'm only about a chapter in, but it's a compelling read, so far.  I have high hopes that the book will help me understand how to best allow my son to express his emotions, as well as giving me ways to protect him from other children who might not be so in tune with expressing their own emotions.   

The statistics are pretty alarming when it comes to risky behavior, car accidents, suicides, etc among boys/ young men.  I'm looking forward to insights the book might provide on how I can start understanding my son from an early age... so that we can establish and maintain positive communication throughout his childhood and adolescent years.   I want my child to be able to know I'm listening and trying to understand and meet his needs.  Yes - I realize these are high hopes for just one book... but I have faith that it will at least deliver in part.

I am also hoping that there might be a few of you out there that will interested in reading one or both of these books along with me (or in the near future) and discussing some of the concepts in them.  A virtual book-club if you will.  Hit me up if you are interested, or send along suggestions for other books that might be good (or better) choices.  Happy reading!

-bf

For "A"

I write this note with a bit of a heavy heart.  Tomorrow my friend "A" is coming back to work.  She's been out for 12 weeks - enjoying every minute with her new little guy.  And tomorrow it's back to the grind. I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of the hardest days of her life. Perhaps I'm projecting my feelings onto her, I don't think I am.  But I truly hope that is the case.

I've been back to work from my maternity leave just a little over five months.  So the first day back is still a bit "fresh".  But I remember the dread leading up to that day.  How even THINKING about having to leave Sweet Pea would result in a puddle of tears.  Thank goodness for my mother-in-law who stayed at our house the night before I returned to work and watched Sweet Pea my first day back.  Even though I knew he was in good hands - it was still near impossible to walk out the front door.  I cried the whole way to work.  I cried most of the day at work.  And I spent most of my day thinking about "not picking up the phone" to check in.

And Sweet Pea did just fine.  Which was really what I wanted.  I wanted it to be one of the worst days of MY life - not the worst day of HIS. 

And now... five months later... Sweet Pea is doing just fine.  He is not only surviving, he's thriving at his daycare.  He has many little friends - and big friends too.  He is social and developing new skills each day.  He's always excited to see me when I pick him up at the end of the day but he's also happy to see his friends when I drop him off in the morning.  Is it my ideal?  Heck NO.  Do I hope to find a way to have the best of both worlds where I get to spend more time with Sweet Pea but he also has some days in daycare, too.  YOU BET.  But today - it's not in the cards.  Here's hoping that tomorrow - sometime soon - it IS in the cards... but until then we'll make the best of the time we have together.

It's the same for "A" - I know she wants to be a stay-at-home-mom.  But today it's not in the cards.  And the return to work after three whole months of quality time with baby "G" will stink.  There is just no way around it.  Because three months isn't enough.  Three years isn't enough.

What I'd like to tell her is that baby "G" will do just fine.  And that I'll be with her every step of the way... with Kleenex if necessary. Or chocolate.

-bf

Counting My Blessings...

Right before the holidays -- Lovey and I went to see the musical "White Christmas".  It was one of his birthday presents...  which falls just a few short days before Christmas (this always makes gift giving a bit of a challenge....)  I usually try to pick something that allows us to do something together - try something new, experience something a bit outside of our routine.  This year - it was even more important as our "couple" time plays second fiddle to our family time...  So, some neighbors and great friends watched our sweet pea and we headed off to Littleton, CO to see a little community theatre.

It had been a while since I had watched the movie "White Christmas" and I'd never seen the play. For some reason,  I'm reminded of it tonight as I get ready to get back into the grind of another work week.

It's easy for me to gear up for the week and think of all the things that are "wrong" in my life... all the things that don't fit my current vision or plan for where I would like to be... (too much time at work, not enough time with Sweet Pea; I haven't had a raise in over two years and I don't feel valued/ appreciated at work; and I don't know how the hell to fix any of it; blahblahblah whine whine whine)... So - tonight I'm taking a moment to reflect upon the lines of one of my favorite songs from "White Christmas"...

When i'm worried and i can't sleep
i count my blessings instead of sheep
and i fall asleep counting my blessings

It is such a beautiful song -- and the message is as true today as it was when the movie first came out.  

I lead SUCH a blessed life...

I am the proud mama to a healthy, sweet, engaging, baby boy... he brings more joy to my life than he will ever know.  Every second I spend with him is a gift - and while it might not be as much time as I would like... there are some out there that are wishing for a child to love and others who are grieving the loss or illness of their child.  I am so blessed.

I have a wonderful, caring, supportive husband.  We make a great team!  I am so very blessed!


I have a job.  My job provides me a salary and benefits - including health insurance.  There are many others that are searching for work, or are uninsured and facing huge medical bills.  I may not like my job EVERY day - but I enjoy my work and I feel like I make a difference... Not to mention that I have wonderful colleagues.  I am so blessed.

I have friends and family that love me, care about me, and genuinely want me to succeed.  My support system includes not just my family - but my husband's family, too.  And I genuinely LIKE my husband's family (how many people WISH they could say that!).  And while my family lives far away - and I miss them and wish Sweet Pea and I saw them more... I remind myself that my mom is over 2 years cancer-free.  Every day with her is a gift.  Sweet Pea and I are so blessed to be able to spend time with her even if it is only every few months. 


I have a warm home and a safe place to lay my head. I have money in a savings account. I have plenty of food in my fridge.  The list could go on and on and on... I am so so very blessed.  

And as I drift off to sleep tonight I will count my blessings... and tomorrow I will count them again.

The Baker and the Chef...

So, it's been a while since I've posted.  Apparently I need to get back into the groove.  I made a resolution to be true to myself this year... But I really don't like starting resolutions on January 1st - it feels so.... forced.  So many people RESOLVE to change their lives at the first of the year only to find that they can't stick with it.  I like to reflect for a bit and start my resolutions about the time everyone else is falling off the wagon -- perhaps I feel like I'm being a bit more authentic this way.  Well, I guess only time will tell.

So Happy 2011 (22 days in).  Here's to sticking with my writing!

Today I've been reflecting a bit on my life - and the difference between my husband and me.  I've come to the conclusion that much of how we operate in the world can be derived from how we operate in the kitchen.  I'm a baker.  I. Love. To. Bake.  I pull out the cookbook.  Look up a recipe.  Follow the steps in order to end up with delicious perfection.  Sure, I might add a few ingredients here and there... swap out the raisins for blueberries... add a bit more sugar or substitute heavy whipping cream for half and half (because EVERYTHING is better with heavy whipping cream).  But pretty much, I stick to the recipe.  If I have an idea for something new and wonderful - I head back to the cookbook (or to the trusty internet) and search out a new recipe for perfection.

My husband, -- (we'll just call him "Lovey") on the other hand -- is a cook/ chef.  While he has no professional training - he is excellent in the kitchen.  Some may think that "chef" is a stretch - I tend to disagree.  Lovey - can walk to the cupboard or fridge -- see what we have on had -- grab a few ingredients and essential spices -- and whip up a fantastic dish in no time at all.  AND present it with an artistic flair.

I've been "baking" my way through life, my entire life.  There has always been a "recipe" for success.  Get good grades in high school.  Go to College.  Get a Masters Degree.  Get a job.  Get married.  Have a Family.... follow a plan...follow a plan... follow a plan....

So here I am in 2011.  I find myself at a crossroads.  I enjoy my job - but my soul is telling me that its time for something new.  I'm at work from 8-5.  I see Sweet Pea in the morning for a few hours and for a few hours at night.  And the weekends - which go waywayway too fast.  Most weekdays, I have a fussy baby in the morning and a crabby baby at night.  And the daycare gets the best of my kid.  AND I NEED MORE THAN THAT. I need much much much more than that for my soul to be satisfied.

So my natural instinct is to look up the recipe - the "step by step plan" that will get me the sweet perfection that I am seeking.  The plan B MUST be written down somewhere.  Guess what?  It doesn't exist - or if it does, it isn't in any book that I can find.  So I find myself floundering - looking from one book, idea, solution to the next - and finding that nothing seems to give me the perfect, easy, solution -- all baked up nice with chocolate frosting and sprinkles on top.  I'm stuck.  And frustrated.  And I don't have a plan... AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

So -- I guess that my next step is to apply Lovey's way of operating in the world.  It's time to take stock of what's in my "pantry" - What  are the talents and skills that I have on hand -- and how can I combine these ingredients to create something fantastic with my life?  Whatever I come up with must utilize creativity - and allow me to live in a way where my soul can sing AND allow me to be there for the important moments in Sweet Pea's life.  I deserve the best of him.  And more importantly, he deserves the BEST of ME.

-- years ago I saw this quote on my college advisor's bulletin board.  I don't know who to credit - but it rings as true today as it did then... It's important to have an end to journey towards, but it's the journey that matters... in the end."



I don't have any answers.  Mostly I just have a million questions.  But I'll keep you posted as I continue my journey  to figure it out.

--bf