Home is.... Where?

I am feeling torn in two... in so many aspects of my life.  It's painful - and I don't even know how to begin to make sense of it.

Work...  I enjoy my job.  I get to work with fun, creative, intelligent people.  It's such a great work environment - on a vibrant, diverse college campus.  But when I am there, my heart is really with Sweet Pea.  He's growing so fast, and I'm missing the best parts of it.  During the week, he wakes up early and is tired and fussy.  And at night he's cranky because he's played so hard at daycare.  Five days a week, the daycare gets the best of my little one... and I get what's left over.  But if there is a sick day, or even if I take a vacation day... I feel guilty that I'm not at work -- because I should be "doing my job."  It seems like I just can't find a way to be "present" and just BE where I am. 

I know that I'm not cut out to be a full-time stay-at-home mom.  I'm pretty sure I would go bonkers.  But I sure would like to find a little more work/life balance.  You know -- a half-time job that paid me my full-time salary and benefits... (so if you happen to see a magic lamp or a winning lottery ticket just lying around... be sure to send it my way...)

And today,  I'm finding it difficult to balance my life in Colorado with my life back home in Wisconsin -- where I was born and raised.  Where my entire family still resides.  Mom and Dad just spend a little over a week with us.  It was such a fantastic time.  Sweet Pea just loved being doted on and having loads of attention from Grandma and Grandpa... not to mention hugs, kisses, tickles.  Grandma and Grandpa even got to babysit while I went in to work for a few days (... did I mention I feel guilty taking vacation?)

We took my parents back to the airport this afternoon.  There were many tears.  My mom cried.  I cried.  (And Sweet Pea has been a bit of a terror ever since we returned to the house.  I think he's having to adjust to a grandparent-free house... and he doesn't really like it).

I never used to feel so sad when I left my parents or they left me.  But ever since Sweet Pea arrived - I have this overwhelming sadness and guilt about my decision to move to Colorado (and stay).  I think that I always had this sense that Colorado would be a "temporary" thing.  It would be a fun adventure for a while, but that I would always end up back home.  I never expected to fall in love... with the climate, the mountains, the 300 plus days of sunshine, the city... or with Lovey.  Or maybe I thought that if I did meet someone while I was here... it would be some nice, Midwestern man who would have no qualms about  packing up his life and heading back home with me.  Where we would have babies and I would be a full-time stay-at-home mommy.

Life hasn't exactly worked out the way I had envisioned.  Two years of grad school in Colorado has turned into 12 years here -- it's gone by in the blink of an eye.  Now, I have a career, great friends, a husband who was born and raised here in Colorado...and his wonderful family is here... I really do love what I have here.  But there is also this pull -- the life I left behind, the family I left behind back home.

Do you want the awful truth?  I am no fan of Wisconsin itself.  The winters are FRIGID.  Bone-chilling cold.  (so cold that on most days your boogers freeze up inside your nose the second you walk outside).  From October to May the skies are gray and the land is a combination of brown or white.  Seeing the sun is a rarity.  Driving over roads covered in snow and ice for months on end isn't my favorite thing, either.  When summer rolls around the sun is out, but the air is heavy and muggy.  The mosquito is the state bird.  The only really great time to be in the state is Autumn.  Yep, that's right.  A whole two months of Wisconsin blissfulness.

But, it's home.  My family lives there.  My formative years were spent camping, and fishing, and playing there.  It's where I have my roots.  My history.  I spent most of my summers with my cousins... My grandparents and I spent time on weekends and after school.  My parents prioritized family.  And I feel very sad and very VERY guilty that Sweet Pea will not know my family in the way that he should.  My parents have waited so long to be grandparents... and now that they are, the time they have with Sweet Pea is so very limited.  A few days here.  A week there...  This is due to the choices I have made... to have a life here.  Away from.... home?  I guess the question is -- where is home?  The old saying "Home is Where Your Heart Is" -- doesn't really assist me in figuring this out... my heart is torn.  It's in two places...  So where is home?  The place where I have roots?  Or the place that gave me my wings?

And how to I find a way to be at peace with life I'm living now - while I try to figure out where the road leads next?